Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
